


The "Ghost" of Lemony Snicket

by RaspberrySwish



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Gen, Post-Canon, he has to trick the bank, i thought this would be funny, lemony has to pretend to be a ghost to take care of the bauds, mr poe thinks hes a ghost and its great
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:07:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21711937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaspberrySwish/pseuds/RaspberrySwish
Summary: With the Baudelaires set to stand trial in the city for their crimes, they are in need of a bank certified guardian willing to take them in for a month or two. Enter Lemony Snicket, a man who, according to the Daily Punctilio, has been dead for sixteen years. But he won't let that stop him. Impersonating his own ghost, Lemony decides to scare Mr. Poe into letting him take the job, although he didn't realize just how much it would change his life for the better.
Relationships: Beatrice Snicket & Lemony Snicket, Klaus Baudelaire & Lemony Snicket, Klaus Baudelaire & Sunny Baudelaire & Violet Baudelaire & Lemony Snicket, Sunny Baudelaire & Lemony Snicket, Violet Baudelaire & Lemony Snicket
Comments: 15
Kudos: 39





	1. Lemony has an Incredibly Stupid Idea

This had to be the stupidest thing he’d ever done. He had done a multitude of stupid things in his life, from jumping onto a moving train, to jumping off a hawser high up in the air, but even for Lemony Snicket, what he was doing now was a stretch.

When he had seen the headline a few months back he was shocked. “BAUDELAIRE MURDERERS WASH UP ON SHORE WITH YOUNG CHILD” it read. 

He didn’t get involved in much nowadays, but Lemony knew that this was something he couldn’t ignore.

Over the next few weeks, he followed the story in the newspapers, the Baudelaires surrendering almost immediately, and being put on trial for their alleged crimes. He knew what that felt like, or at least he would have if he didn’t fake his death and miss the actual trial part. 

He knew how these things went, the trials, all of it. It would take weeks for the hearings to even begin, and the bank was still responsible for what would happen to the three, no four, Baudelaires. 

The bank was forced to take care of all of it, and the events that had happened in the past still did not change the circumstances of the Baudelaire parents will. The four children still had to stay with their closest living relative, but by now, that list was running low. 

Lemony wanted to help the children, he really did, but he couldn’t be their guardian or anything of the sort. He was on the run, after all, and he couldn’t let the police catch him. But then he had an idea. The police wouldn’t even try to catch him, if they thought they couldn’t. 

This was impossible. There was a million little ways that his plan could go wrong, and a billion bigger ones. He didn’t even know if the bank would allow him to be their guardian this way, or if they wouldn’t arrest him on the spot. 

He would have to make them fall for his hoax. Hook, line and sinker. He would have to make the bank believe that he was dead, as he stood right in front of them. He would have to become a ghost, a spectre, a ghoul, a spirit. And he meant that literally. 

Opening a tray of party store translucent face paint, Lemony set to work, completely covering his features in white. 

_ This is never going to work,  _ he thought.  _ To make them think that I’m a ghost? And to then give said ghost custody over four young children? It was impossible, delusional even. But he had to try. For Beatrice. And for Kit.  _

Lemony’s walk to court that day elected many stares, the people of the city not used to seeing a shadow figure take a stroll down main into the finance district, and into the lobby of Mulctuary Money Management. 

Well those people would have to get used to it, because if his plan went well than they would be seeing a lot more of him. Everyone would. 

Lemony walked past the bankers and their customers, head held high as if he belonged, frantically hoping that no one would stop him.

And no one did. Walking a few steps past Mr. Poe’s office, he spotted the boiler room, quickly sneaking inside. 

Pulling out a wrench from his pocket, Lemony unscrewed the electrical box and pried some wires loose, the lights now blinking eerily.  _ Perfect. _

He then moved over to the building thermostat, and plunged the temperature down to below freezing. Now he was ready. 

As he stepped out into the hallway Lemony smiled, small and fast, easy to miss, but still there. 

He looped back around the building and into the lobby, this time attracting as much attention as possible, for it would only add to his facade. 

People whispered as he glided through the halls of the bank, finally coming to a stop outside Mr. Poe’s office, silently taking a seat at the chair across from the banker.

Poe was shivering from the cold, and his heart slowed to a stop when Lemony entered the room. He knew that man. That man was dead. He was dead and he was here. Poe screamed.

Lemony placed a finger to his own mouth, silencing Poe in fear. 

“The Baudelairesss” he whispered.

“Wha- What about them?” Poe asked nervously.

Lemony tilted his head and stared at the man. “Guardiannn” he said.

“I’m,” Poe coughed. “I’m afraid that the Baudelaires guardian can only be their closest living relative,” he said. “And to put it kindly, sir, you are none of those things.”

Lemony almost smiled there. _ How wrong he was, wrong about all of it. _

But he had to keep up the act. Moving slowly, Lemony stood up, towering over the banker. 

“Guardiannn” he repeated, staring Poe straight in the eyes, daring him to blink first.

Poe blinked. “I’m sure,” he mumbled. “Sure that can be arranged.”

And it was. Three days later Lemony found himself in a courtroom, watching carefully as four scared young children entered, soon to be sent home with him, a stranger, a mystery, a ghost, and maybe, possibly, if he played his cards right, a little bit more. 


	2. Lemony's Case Goes to Court

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lemony has to convince a judge that he can be a guardian to the Baudelaires. (While also pretending to be a ghost)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why I wrote another chapter to this.
> 
> The Baudelaires are insanely confused and Justice Russel just wants to get this over with and go home.

“All rise, the court is now in session. The honorable Justice Russel Presiding over case 3281, regarding the temporary guardianship of the Baudelaire children.”

Lemony stood up, pulling a handkerchief from his pocket. It was awfully hot in here, but he couldn’t let anyone catch on to the fact that he wasn’t really dead. Not now. He put the handkerchief back in his pocket.

The judge was speaking again. 

“Normally we do not have such trials for matters of guardianship,” he said. “But with the upcoming hearings associated with these three children, we thought it best to approve the bank’s decision first.”

Lemony almost laughed at that part. Hearing. Trials. This is the kind of stuff that could have come in handy when the Baudelaires were living with Olaf, not now. It figures that the bank would only think of this now. In his short encounter with Mr. Poe, the banker, Lemony had not been at all impressed with his level of intelligence. 

As the judge continued talking, Lemony stole a glance over at the three (no four, there were four now) children. He had grown used to seeing them in photographs and such, but they looked different in person, older, sadder, more like himself these days. 

Violet and Klaus stood wearily, the children in their arms. They never once took a glace up, preferring to stare down at their feet. Sunny Baudelaire looked slightly less exhausted, and more angry, glaring at the judge as he talked about their crimes. But after a few seconds she stopped too, preferring to just wait with her siblings.

After a few moments Justice Russel stopped talking, and Mr. Poe walked up to the stand, from someplace behind him in the audience. 

Well, this will be interesting, Lemony thought. 

“You see, the Baudelaire will lists three conditions for guardianship over their children. Closest, Living, and Relative.”

Lemony snorted. Closest was a separate condition? The idiocy!

Poe kept on talking. “Mulctuary Money Management has found a guardian that we believe would take good care of the children, although he does not fit any of the three stipulations.”

Justice Russel looked at Poe. “The bank would like to break their own rules?” he asked. “The ones set in place by the Baudelaire Parents themselves?”

Lemony looked at Poe, catching the banker’s eyes, who nodded fearfully. 

“Yes, your honor, we would.” he stuttered. “In the past, the Baudelaires have been placed with guardians and institutions that have broken two out of the three requirements, and we only ask that you overlook the third.”

“And which one would that be?” Justice Russel inquired.

“Living.”

Throughout the room, Lemony could hear people whispering. 

“Living, what does he mean living?”

“How could someone be not living?”

These and other similar questions traveled around.

Out of the corner of his eye, Lemony saw Violet whisper to Klaus, and they both looked up, scanning the room.

He ducked down low in his jacket. Now wasn’t the time to make a scene. He could save that for later.

Justice Russel motioned for the rest of the room to be quiet. 

“How can this potential guardian not be alive?” he asked Poe.

“Well, sir, you see, this guardian may or not be a… how do I say it… a ghost. He’s a ghost.”

“A ghost?” Justice Russel asked. “You mean to tell me that you are actually suggesting that these four children be raised by a ghost?”

“For the time being.”

The judge sighed. “And how many other people wanted to be their guardian?”

“None, your honor,” Poe said.

Justice Russel turned to the Baudelaires. 

“It’s either a ghost or prison, children,” he said. “What will it be?”

Lemony sat in silence as he watched the Baudelaires contemplate their choice. Please choose me, he begged silently. I may be strange and lonely, but anything has to be better than a prison cell, right? Not that he would know, or course, seeing as he went on the run at the first sign of his arrest, but it had to be true.

He held his breath as Violet Baudelaire opened her mouth with their answer. 

“We would like the ghost, sir.” she said. 

Justice Russel nodded.“Mr. Snicket, you may come up and collect the children.”

Lemony watched the Baudelaires as he stood up. With the mention of the name Snicket they almost seemed hopeful, or something close to it, but that deflated as they saw his face. Ghost… Snicket... they were expecting Jacques.

Lemony shook it off and approached the stand. He quickly signed a piece of paper saying that he would return the Baudelaires to court for their trial, and walked out of the courtroom, the four children following behind him.

As they left the courthouse, Klaus asked him a question.

“Who are you?” he said. “And how can you be dead?”

Lemony turned around and smiled.

“Lemony Snicket,” he said. “And dead is a relative term.”


	3. Beatrice Has Her First Rootbeer Float

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After leaving the courthouse, Lemony starts to walk home with the Baudelaires, before deciding to make a detour and have some rootbeer floats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys wanted me to bring this back, so here it is!   
> The chapters here are much shorter than I normally have them, but I think the length works for this story so they're going to stay that way.  
> Enjoy!

Lemony started to walk home, the Baudelaires behind him, peppering him with questions, Klaus especially.

“How can you be dead?”

“Did you know our parents?”

“Are you really a ghost?”

“Why won’t you answer my questions?”

He kept going on. Finally Lemony brought them to a stop and leaned down to talk to him.

“I’ll answer all your questions in a moment.” 

He looked down the street. The Baudelaires were inquisitive children, and this would probably take a while. Besides, he really needed a root beer float. 

“I know just the place to go. Follow me.”

Lemony took them another block and a half, stopping outside his favorite ice cream parlor, the only one nearby that made root beer floats. 

The bell above the door rang as they entered and Lemony smiled at his friend Scoot behind the counter.

“A rootbeer float for you today, Lonny?” Scoot asked.

Lemony looked back at the Baudelaires, who had seated themselves in a booth and were now putting down their various toddlers.

“Make it five.”

“Coming right up!”

Lemony made his way back to the table and sat down next to Klaus and Beatrice, Violet and Sunny seated across from them.

“Mr. Snicket,” Violet said. “You promised to explain all of this.”

He met her eyes. Blue. Beatrice didn’t have blue eyes. He was glad that there was something that made her different, Violet not Beatrice. He didn’t think he could take it if she looked  _ exactly  _ like Beatrice.

Lemony focused on that. Blue. Thinking about anything else would just make him cry, something he couldn’t afford. His makeup would start to run.

Lemony choked out a laugh at that, too close to the beginning of a sob. He had to hold himself together now. For them. He wasn’t alone anymore.

He noticed that the Baudelaires were looking at him strangely. 

“I did,” he said finally. “I said I would explain.”

They stared at him.

“We would like to hear that explanation now.”

He nodded.

“Of course. But which part?”

“All of it. From the beginning.”

Lemony thought for a moment.

“Well I was born on a-”

“All of the  _ relevant  _ parts,” Klaus told him.

Lemony nodded again awkwardly. He was so bad at this. 

“I knew your parents very well,” he said. “Better than almost anyone else.”

The Baudelaires looked at each other from across the table.

“We were all part of a group called-” he paused.

“VFD,” Sunny whispered.

He smiled at her sadly and nodded.

“VFD.”

“We knew each other for many years, until um-” 

He could feel himself starting to get worked up. 

Why couldn’t he keep himself together? Even simply thinking about that night, about Beatrice, set him off. He was useless. He didn’t deserve to take care of her children.  _ But no one else would. _

“It might be easier if you just asked me questions,” he told them, trying not to wipe at his face. “I know lots of things, and this will take much too long otherwise.”

Violet slowly nodded and met eyes with Klaus and Sunny.

There was silence for a moment or two while they thought about what to ask, before Beatrice, who had gone unnoticed at the table began to shout.

“Icy!” she shrieked as Scoot approached the table, bringing the root beer floats.

“Can she even eat ice cream safely?” Klaus asked Violet.

“I had root beer floats even younger than her,” Lemony told them. “And I turned out well enough.”

Klaus turned to look at the man.

“You’re dead.”

“ _ Mostly  _ dead.”

“Same thing.”

“It really isn’t.”

The Baudelaires finished their root beer floats, and Lemony paid the check, saying goodbye to Scoot and heading back to his apartment, the children even more confused than they had been before.

Knew our parents? Secretive Adult? They had done all this many times before, but Ghost? That was entirely new.

From behind him, Lemony heard the Baudelaires fall back, whispering about what he assumed to be himself.

He slowed as well, just enough to hear what they were saying.

“He’s obviously not a ghost,” Klaus whispered. “Ghosts aren’t real.”

Sunny nodded her assent.

“I don’t know Klaus,” Violet interjected. “There’s always a possibility that he could-”

“Violet don’t you even try to say that to me,” Klaus snapped. “You are a woman of science, I know you don’t mean it.”

She shrugged.

“All I am saying is that no one can ever know for sure.”

He scoffed.

“I know for sure. And let me tell you, that man is  _ not  _ a ghost.”

Lemony tensed and sped up again, exiting the conversation.

He hadn’t really thought this through, (surprise, surprise) and he didn’t know what he was going to say to the children when they finally asked.

Was he going to stay a ghost? He hadn’t planned on it before, but now that they had brought it up, it was possible. 

Staying a ghost would be safer. If one of the children accidentally let loose that he was alive… it would put them in too much danger.

It would be hard, especially in his small apartment, and Klaus was already suspicious, but it was the safest choice. For them. For Beatrice. Everyone.

Lemony nodded to himself, and in that moment, decided to remain a ghost for as long as he possibly could.


End file.
